words are starting to gather between my ears and are falling out of my mouth... silently. Its been a whole year since i've thought about the going-ons in my mind. Writing used to come so naturally and typing it out so fluid. I would spill my heart so fast the curser had no time to blink.... but now... blink.blink.Blink....|... I hav so many odds and ends to keep my mind off of what is in my head what i dont want to see blinking in me.. the wanting and the yearning for more. I sit at this desk and type.. watching the blinking and feel my words starting to stir again.
This year has had a lot of beginning and ends.. some pauses but mostly beginnings. I started band with my fellow Guitar Club comrades haha, but im playing bass. My electric blue guitar is lonely now and honestly i would like to sell it but my son has the makings of a great guitar player so im gonna keep it for him - pass it down and see if he can make something out of it. The band members are the best pals I've had in a while. All brought together by a corporate giant then torn apart by the same beast. Even though we no longer work all together i do get to jam out with lead guitarist Greg and see beat kicker Kelly almost every day. I have yet to meet our newest member/singer but that day will come here soon. So we say " a band in the making" and songs up our sleeves - still waiting for the day we practice together hahaa.. one day it will happen in Jan most likely or so our great leader is saying ;) Im enjoying the idea of having a jam session every now and then.. play some gigs in run down bars and maybe grow - maybe not.. but well have fun thats for sure.
Another beginning is the onset of my side business and the growing trend it seems to be in. It wasn't intentional, it just happened. My name was heard by the right people and is being spread around with gratitude and in professional environments. Im pleased with how its progressing. That long time goal of making Native American issues marketable.. better yet profitable.. is beginning to turn into a reality.. To be seen and recognized by society outside our reservations. to have relevance in the fast pace of our world around. I feel like i could be a major part in that movement and im happy its coming along. I recently went home and literal could feel the brakes to life and how it flows on the rez. Everything came to a halt and suddenly my issues went from my busy 12 hr schedule to watching the clouds go by and actually stopping to smell the fresh air as is froze my insides.. 2 completely different worlds but i can see the bridge starting to cross. its slow but its there.. coming..
in the END department.. i could have a list to go through there but i won't bore you. and if you know me by now im not one to dwell on the bad/negative. unless im blogging and need to think it all out... See i've made some great friends during my year some I can't see my life without and they know who they are - i've let them in and have told them so. I keep what matters close to me and dont let others see how fragile it all is to me. Friends have seem to be this ongoing cycle. People will attach themselves until they suck out what they wanted from you. to many people take kindness for granted and friendship without its worth in return.. I've learned to keep myself open to people but dont open up to everyone.. and i've found some good ppl that have the same thoughts about life and such.. its just to bad paths cross and we have our own trials to blaze and some left me in the dust again - but its alright i know its all for the better and besides, i talk to most of um all the time so it helps.. i think this year has been a year of friendships and seeing who matters the most out of them all.. its the difference between fare-weathered and true...
Love.. or something like that.... hmm this year.. i guess you can say "next" I've had the potentials.. the one that couldn't let go.. the one that just couldn't get enough but i had enough of his BS.. I had to separate and draw the line with the one i would rather be friends with than risk a loss of an awesome friendship.. Oh yes, and the one i had to slap with reality even though i don't think he'll ever get the picture.. poor guy.. i guess you can say i've left a trail of tears lol.. Jk no - just haven't found what im looking for.. my motto stays, friends first then well see if you can handle more.. ;)
Work: is just that these days. I've strive to keep busy and in that I have become that girl that goes above and beyond what she is asked.. yes some may look down on that calling me a brown-noser, other see determination, but I see... boredom.. The lack of creative control and red tape Has moved me into seeking mode - something i do in more ways than one.. I've been floating between 2 buildings, 2 cites, 2 jobs, 2 departments of my job, and 2 levels of status.. In one i have control and trust for what im know to create the other.. i was hired to do one thing "and dont you dare, think of doing anything else" type people over me.. Honestly as i said before.. i'm a road maker.. i pave my way and i like to build networks within my networks and it gets me to the next step.. If you dont want to be bored then you have to start doing the same.. but no one listens and all i hear is complaining so i give them something to laugh at and be on my way.. at least i made someone laugh... haha right?
my baby has me going.. he's probably the one thing that keeps me focused.. you can say im everywhere all at once most of time.. trying this doing that.. to experience life and all it offers but my Son keeps me grounded and focues.. im soooooo greatful for that. this year has been interesting seeing him develope into this little man.. anyone who takes asecond look and really pays attention to his personality says "he's definantly your son".. Ha i smile and at the same time sigh.. i have my work cut out for me. and i know it. Daycare is probably the one thing i can not wait to be done with.. until he is in school i will count the days.. For single parents this is the one thing you have to have but it hurts to pay it out.. people all year have told me to get help but i haven't and probably wont. I've got too much pride to ask for hand outs.. yes i do need to work on that pride but for righ tnow it keeps me on my feet and going with my head held high..
Hahaha the more i type and write the more im seeing im in a state of ramble.. and no one will ever get this far into this blog lol... ahhhhh.. well heres my end.. *muah* see you all next year!!!!
